Remember when I said that I wanted to start posting more personal things here? Things that matter to me? Well, this post is along those lines, and it’s a doosey. Because it’s a bit on the long side, I’m going to divide the post into 3 PARTS. I feel very vulnerable saying these things here, but it impacts my life greatly so.. here goes!

PRELUDE:

I’m not a big TV person, but my husband and I have one night a week we like to call “Our TV night” – This has been a bit boring as of late in regards to the shows (the company’s great!) but very soon, 2 of my favorite shows will start up again.

My all time favorite is show is Parenthood, which is, I think, the best show around, by far (followed by Modern Family). I love everything from the theme song (that I once, many, many years -try 1991- ago wrote the lyrics out to, followed by a very special handwritten and heartfelt letter to an important person in my life) to the fact that they started the first episode with a song by the Avett brothers (swoon!) to the superb writing & acting. I really could go on and on, but this post is already long.. so, all this to say that the new season starts September 13th and I can’t wait! *If you haven’t ever seen it, you can catch up on last season right here!

Next, I’ve also come to enjoy is the show, The Biggest Loser, though, I recognize it’s a completely different animal. I didn’t watch The biggest loser until 2 seasons ago because I thought the title of the show was demeaning in and of itself. Then, the few glimpses I got of the show seemed to be just a horribly humiliating experience.  I had no interest in a show like that. But, eventually, somehow, I wound up watching an entire episode (sneering the entire time because growing up with a teeny tiny older sister who had an even tinier best friend, I’ve had weight issues for as long as I can remember and the feelings some of the people on this show talked about hit a little too close to home for me) but, needless to say, after eventually watching a whole episode, I was hooked.  I didn’t like that I found myself liking it and I was really a closet fan for the first season I watched, but I eventually I stopped caring and I am looking forward to this next season. The premiere of The biggest loser is September 20th.

So, getting excited about the season premier of these two shows, I remembered a moment in my own life last year that was very difficult and healing at once. A moment that happened in part, because of them. Who says TV can’t change your life?

THE MOMENT:

The moment I’m talking about began with Parenthood. It was the episode when Julia’s character found out (and later told her mom) that it’s unlikely that she’ll be able to have another child? Let me just say, I cried my face off.  Cried. My. Face. Off.  Those feelings Julia’s character showed, I’ve experienced those same feelings. It hurts on this deep very raw level.

You may not know this, but I have not been able to get pregnant with a second child for over 10 years now, and the window is closing quickly. It hurts. Watching that episode hurt. At the same time, I was deeply grateful for it. Grateful because when people talk to me about my infertility, I usually smile and say it’s no big deal because we’re grateful for the child we HAVE, and I am, we are.. truly and in THE most sincere way.. but there is still a mourning that goes on in my heart. I have pushed it way way down, somewhere where I don’t have to think about it. That night, watching Parenthood, it welled up and went quickly from a lump in my throat to large continuous tears..the kind of tears that quietly fall in a torrent, refusing to be kept down one moment longer. The kind that you feel with every part of you…

• I mourned that my son may never know what it’s like to be a big brother (Oh! what a GREAT big brother he would be!)
• I mourned the 10 years I mistreated and *hated my own body for not working properly
• I hate the thought of my son being here alone after my husband and I die.
• I mourned the times I see my husband light up and get that look on his face, that quiet longing and pain when he sees our sweet little niece who looks just like she could be ours…

He would love a daughter so much, but he would never say it out loud. He is such a phenomenal father. He’s so gentle and so strong…

There are times I hurt so deeply, but I won’t even acknowledge it to myself most times because it doesn’t seem right to me. I have friends who cant conceive and have no children and we have one, so it just doesn’t seem right. But, during those moments in Parenthood, I allowed myself to cry and to mourn and I am so grateful. Allowing myself to recognize that there is a loss that comes with second child infertility… it was good for my soul.

Then- we watched the Biggest Loser, and Olivia spoke about wanting so badly to have a baby and how she’s been married 13 years and is 35 years old and how “time was running out”… I bawled… quietly.. but hard. Olivia and I are the same age (I’ll be 35 in November), we’ve been married the same amount of time (13 years this year) and we both have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) .. so, to say that it hit home with me would be an understatement.

CONCLUSION:

I’m ashamed to admit that there have been times when I’ve been tempted to think, “I HATE my body.” In fact, there was a 3-4 year period in my life, shortly after the official diagnosis when I thought about how much I hated my body multiple times a DAY. So mad that it wasn’t doing what it ought to be, that it wasn’t giving me even the option of getting pregnant..

Remembering those days now breaks my heart because one day, not too long ago, I realized that RIGHT NOW, just as it is, my body is incredible. It’s *so strong. It’s SO STRONG! I’ve abused & under appreciated it countless times over the years, yet, it powerfully rises to meet every  challenge and every good change I’ve made with no hard feelings. Amazing.

I’m working with my body now, not against it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to have another baby, I faced that truth that night. I stood up, face to face with it, tears rolling, heart aching.. and I’m still standing. I didn’t break, I’m still here, gratitude won out! I have a son, my body did that! Against all odds, he was conceived and born and is healthy and beautiful!

Victory doesn’t mean having another child, though of course that would be wonderful. Victory means knowing that I did my part, that I prepared for rain. That I have done everything that I can to learn & prepare my body, heart & life to be ready to conceive. Turning loss into gain… because of this loss, I’m a different person, every moment is more precious, my body, though imperfect, is wondrous and the rest I can trust in God’s hands. This is still much more than I deserve and I. am. grateful.