You would not believe how many attempts I’ve made at writing this post. I’m not sure how best to put it or how much I want to share, but I want and need to put it out there. For practical reasons at the very least. Bear with me, this is a long one.. but hopefully you’ll be entertained a bit too ^_^

Here are the important things that are happening:

• Starting November 1st, I will no longer have internet or cable. We are canceling both. [hang on, let me recuperate from saying such a horrible, horrible thing out loud...] [.............................sigh.............tear..........]
• This state of no internet or TV will last a minimum of 6 months. No real reason for the 6 month time period, it just seems like enough time to break some bad habits and GSD… plus, it will give me time to get rid everything that we won’t take when we find the perfect little home in some magical little city in CA (did I mention that we have intentions of moving around July 2012?) and I KNOW we can’t take all of this with us, nor do I want to… we’re sticking with William Morris (see below) and getting rid of nearly everything!  BTW, do you know an inspiring California city to live in???
• I’m terrified of getting cabin fever because TV and internet have become an abnormally huge part of my life… I mean, I had breakfast with Shaun and Guster this morning, went to bed after a visit with Heidi & Tim…..still.. we’re doing it…pulling the plug, bitin’ the bullet.. breaking up, and in turn, we’re letting the fresh air in.. laying in the sun, playing catch like we used to… perhaps partaking in some Canasta…

FIVE good reasons for this change: 

1) That last point, the one about being terrified.. that is really, really sad. Definitely NOT who I want to be. I am admittedly very hermit-ish (hermittish?) and I need to de-hermit and get out there.. with real people in my imperfect state… scary.

2) TV is the devil.. well, mine anyway.. .apparently… Project Runway, Rachel Zoe Project, Parenthood, Modern Family, Top Chef, Psyche… the list is has become endless… as much value as I think there is in the quite moments of these shows because it’s all based around real people in one way or another, I just need something else right now.

3) My son is 11.. I miss him already and I know from any mother of teenagers that I will lose him for a little while very shortly and he is so … darn it, I’m going to get mushy on you.. he’s just.. he’s growing up fast and I love being with him.. he’s funny and interesting and oh … blah, blah blah… I know, you don’t want to hear it… I just want to be sure that I pay attention to him (sincerely) and cherish the time I have with him before he gets to that point when he decides that mom and dad are so not cool. It’s not only hanging out with him either, it’s also making a home where he feels nothing but security & genuine love. It’s rough out there, kids are mean.. teenagers? meaner…I really want him to come home to a good environment.. and I hate to admit it (really, it’s hard to admit because it’s SO not who I want to be) but when that TV and internet are available to me, the time it takes to create that peaceful environment and plan special outings for our family etc. is compromised.. I know that I can do better. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all about having a clean house, its about putting the love into it all.. sometimes, that really is just making sure the laundry is done and ready for a weekend of camping or whatever… other times it’s neglecting the housework and snuggling in bed with a good book together.. my point is, if I keep up on the big stuff, putting off the dishes or the entire house for a day wont set me back too much, so when he needs me, I can be there without any  stress about the house or other nagging issues.. I can give him my full attention and really listen. Just like Gloria Dump..

Do you remember the movie, “Because of Winne Dixie”? It’s one of my very favorite movies.. Opal is adorable, and Dave Mathews is wonderful, but my very favorite character is Mrs. Gloria Dump.  Remember when Opal describes how she felt when she was talking to Gloria?  She said,

“I had been waiting for so long to tell a person everything about me, I couldn’t stop. I told Gloria Dump everything. And the whole time I was talkin’ … Gloria Dump was listening. I could feel her listening with all her heart, and it felt good.”

I want my family to know they can have that whenever they want to. I know boys don’t always want to talk to ‘mom’ but, I want to be there when he does and in the meantime, I want him to know with certainty that he is loved in every way I can.

4) That stuff I just talked about goes for the time with my husband too. I could really go on and on about this one.. but I’ll keep that stuff to myself.. the bottom line is, it’s important.. loving these two. The internet & TV.. not so much.

5) Lately, I have been comparing myself to other artists, moms, you-name-it’s… a lot…and people have always done that but with the internet, it’s magnified… there are so many out there that really do appear to have it all together, while I sometimes often feel like I’m just scraping by.. seeing all these ‘together’ moms has the potential to leave me feeling like a huge failure. As I mentioned.. the internet sucks me in.. and once it does, the comparison trap is inevitable… I know this is more a problem with what’s in me than it is with the internet.. but, I just want a break from it. Also, as an artist, I need to create.. but for a while, I need to do so without the temptation to look and see what everyone else thinks about it and how it measures up.. It’s my heart out there when I create something and I always feel really good about it because it’s truth in it’s most raw form, but then I put it on the internet and if no one likes or  notices it, I feel horrible.. I know this is lame, trust me.. I know this… but I have discovered where this feeling stems from…it has recently been brought to my attention that I kind of hate myself.. harsh, right? I adamantly refused to even consider it.. at first.. but then I paid attention to my both my inner and outer dialog, and realized that it’s (sadly) very true. I’m an approval needer, people pleaser, please, please tell me you like me kind of person.. ugh. My defalt is: “Please.. someone, anyone… tell me I’m worth it. Tell me and make me believe I am worth something.” .. The good part? Things are changing.. now that I KNOW, I can make changes, I can recognize my strengths and  I can now say without fear that I’m a smart person and know that I’ll figure this out and overcome it! (The old me would never have said that, let alone mean it!) I’m also pretty sure that half the battle is realizing the problem. It took me many many years to realize this issue, and it’s only been about 2 weeks since I did but I’m now catching myself before I berate myself or out of fear withhold saying something etc… I’m feeling ok with myself for the first time in a looong time… another important step is that I’m saying no to projects that I just can’t take on and feeling good about it. This particular issue has become a HUGE one without my even realizing it.. and it began affecting my work. I was spread too thin because I could not say no, even jumping up to offer help when I was already strapped… of course I never saw it this way before, but after the comment made about my hating myself, it became crystal clear why I did this to myself.. I wanted approval and I would kill myself to get it. .. unfortunately, in the end I only disappointing people and myself because I was not able to get things done when I had promised them.. you know the rule of thumb to, “Under promise and over deliver”? – I did the opposite. I’ve done it  a lot. I simply could not say no and it really hurt me in the end by damaging my reputation. I have to deal with this. For the first time in a long time, I feel like it’s ok to love myself.. or.. I’m at least try to take action in making loving choices for myself… and that person; the tv, internet dependent one.. she’s not good enough because I have to believe that I *am worth something.. I *am valuable  (and.. I have to say it, “Gosh darn it, people like me!” hee!) Not because I’m perfect or more realistically, trying to give off the illusion of perfection.. but just as I am, I have as much value as the girl in line with me at the store or that  snobby blogger who consistently snubs me.. I want to believe that. I’m working on believing that. With humility and a good measure of grace.

So, even though we’re mid-season and I won’t know if Crosby and Adam will do well with their new venture or not, I just have to do this. I’m giving it up until I’ve got some things worked out.

The practical reasons for this post, are to let you know that:

• I will be taking on a full work load over at Aeolidia, so if you need any design work, now is the time! I’ve been working on projects with people on my own as well as with Aeolidia, but to simplify my life I’m no longer taking on private clients through my site at this time.  So, if you need work done, please contact Arianne at Aeolidia and let her know that you’d like to work with me. I’ll be unhampered with internet and tv leaving me pretty darn focused! I’ve been doing all sorts of fun projects lately from creating repeat patterns for fabric to cute PDF’s that clients can offer to their blog readers and as always logo’s, logo’s and more logo’s! I love doing it and really enjoy getting to know such great people!
• I will only have access to the internet/email (bi-weekly). I am pre-scheduling a couple times a week that I will get out of my cozy scarf & pajamas, put on actual clothes, cream on my face, at least a little bit of blush, grab my laptop and head out (into the fresh air and sun, where real people exist) to a Starbucks or a friend or family member’s house to chat and use their wi-fi.. thus de-hermit-ing (de-hermitting?) myself AND doing something productive. I will let you know which days this will be and if you happen to see me at Starbucks while I ‘get my fix’ please do come over and say hello!
• I will no longer be able to be reached at my personal email address. (duh) Please use my work address or contact me via my contact page ONLY.  For those of you who ‘know me’ –  just call me, text me or better yet, stop by! I *am attempting to be more social here! Ugh.. ok.. moving on…
• If you have emailed me in the last few months and not gotten a reply: I’m really, truly sorry.  I could try to explain, but if you replace the nachos with cereal and orange juice, it’s pretty much EXACTLY like THIS. And, I’m sorry. Truly. That was crappy of me. If by some chance you are willing to forgive and you really still want a reply, please try again… Your chances of getting a reply during the next 6 months is pretty darn good.. as a matter of fact, I’ll prolly type your ear off!
• I will continue to blog during this time!  Yep, I will pre-write my posts and publish them on said pre-scheduled days! I saw a blog once that had the little sign up stating that the writer was “blogging without obligation” and I’m sure you’ve noticed that I tend to blog that way myself.. I mean, life’s messy, you know? Alas, it has also been brought to my attention that some people don’t do things like that and they get miffed if you drop off on your blog and then step in and keep going a while later without explanation.. but rest assured and try not to panic should this happen! THIS is most likely the explanation and nothing more. K?